The Style Invitational Week 982: The parody line
By Pat Myers, Published: July 26
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
A chill runs up my spine:
My pal’s first name’s escaped my
thought,
But he remembers mine.
Here’s a different take on
our annual-or-so song parody contests, this one suggested by Matt Monitto, an
Elon University student and one of the Invite’s most intrepid parodists: Set
your own, humorous words to the tune of a well-known song — except that you
must preserve one of the original lines, as in Matt’s example above. Your song
shouldn’t be more than one verse and one chorus; the original line may be in
either of them (indicate the original line plus the name of the song it’s
from).
Winner gets the Inkin’
Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second
place receives an adorable plush Helicobacter pylori ulcer bacterium, complete
with flagella hanging out of its mouth (it also has cute, rather unbacterial
eyes and fur). About 4.2 zillion times life size. Donated by life-size Loser
Dave Prevar.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug
or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after
Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (Fir
Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 13; results published Sept. 2 (online
Aug. 31). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 982” in
your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and
guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable
mentions is by Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline for the “next week’s
results” line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees
group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 979, in which we asked simply for ways to tick people off. Given that we
asked this in the wake of the Washington area power outages, many people
equated the verb “PO” with the noun “P----o.”
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
Whenever a colleague swears,
tell him, “Every time you say something like that, a fresh tear trickles down
the cheek of Our Savior.” (John Shea, Philadelphia)
2. Winner of the Annoying
Orange key chain and Lil’ Stinker Bubbles: When the woman in your life tells
you that “I need your support,” cup her breasts. (Dion Black, Washington)
3. In the supermarket, when a
parent is refusing the request of a whining toddler, rush toward the product
and load up your cart, exclaiming, “I LOVE these things! They’re the BEST! I’m
going to have as MANY as I WANT!” (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)
4. Ask a woman in a bar, “Hi,
babe, can I buy you a light beer?” (David Genser, Poway, Calif.)
Ticking off: The seconds — Honorable mentions
Fill in a half-dozen
incorrect answers in the crossword of the in-flight magazine, then leave it in
the seat-back pocket for the next passenger. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala
City)
When reading responsively
during a religious service, loudly try out various speech defects. (Mike Gips,
Bethesda, Md.)
When arriving at your Red
Line station, jump up from your seat, yell, “This is a Green Line train?!” and
bolt out the door. As the train departs, watch the confused tourists hurriedly
consult their pocket maps. (Richard Wong, Derwood, Md.)
Hashtag all sentences: in
e-mails, documents and conversation. #hackneyedjoke #nomagnetforyou (Martin
Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.; Daria Zahalsky, Vienna, Va., a First Offender)
Use Metrorail’s “doors
closing” chimes as your ring tone for your daily commute. (Kathy Atkins,
Fredericksburg, Va.; Anna Day, Rockville, Md., both First Offenders)
When you call tech support
and the guy asks if you have a pen handy to write down the case number, ask
what a penhandy is. (Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn.)
Answer the phone by saying,
“It is I.” (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)
When you’re on jury duty,
bring a daisy into the deliberation room and start to pull out each petal while
saying “Guilty . . . not guilty . . .” (Mark Raffman,
Reston, Va., a First Offender)
Bring one of those huge foam
“#1” fingers to the Metropolitan Opera. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)
Taking a cue from tennis
stars, scream-grunt while performing any task: Pushing the elevator button?
“Huh-aaaiiee!” Turning the doorknob? “Huh-aaaiiee!” Playing your Scrabble
tiles? “Huh-aaaiiee!” (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.; John McCooey, Rehoboth
Beach, Del.)
When someone says, “Glad to
meet you,” reply, “Why?” (Travis McKinney, San Antonio)
Post a comment under
someone’s Facebook photo of cute kittens: “Cats have their place, and that
place is under water.” (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)
In conversations, let your
gaze drift gradually to the left until you’re looking at a space about a foot
from the other person’s head. Suddenly say “Ding!” and shift your attention
back to the face. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)
At a watch-the-game party,
stand up and announce that you are NOT ready for some football, nor are you
ready to rock. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
Make this your answering
machine message: “Hello? [pause] Hello, is anyone there? [pause] Could you
speak louder? [pause] If anyone is there, hang up and call again.” (Art
Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)
When you’re about to pass
gas, first strike the John Travolta disco pose from “Saturday Night Fever.”
(Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
Carry a box of apostrophes
with you, so you can insert them around town in correctly punctuated signs.
(Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.)
Breathe. — B. Obama,
Washington (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.)
Stage-whisper “That’s what He
said!” throughout the minister’s sermon. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)
On the Metro, loudly suck
your teeth, and if somebody looks at you, wink. (Bird Waring)
Ask your waiter what members
of his tribe typically have for lunch. (David Genser)
When asked your name, preface
it with an emphasized “the.” (THE Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)
When someone says, “May I ask
you a question?” reply, “You already have and I only allow one per day.” (Drew
Bennett)
Constantly interrupt people
to make pointless rhymes: If they say they’ve been to New York, ask them, “Did
you eat with a fork?” If they say they’re from Detroit, reply, “Did you meet
with Jon Voight?” (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
Five minutes before the Super
Bowl starts, tell your husband that you reset the V-chip password to your
anniversary date. (Dion Black)
Whenever you disagree with
someone, start your rebuttal with “Au contraire, mon ami.” (Roy Ashley,
Washington)
Apparently, just ask my wife
for sex. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax, Va.)
Put “URGENT” in the subject
line of an email to a co-worker, then state in the email that you’d forgotten
to say thank you after borrowing that pen. (Anna Day)
When fundraising for police
charities, always call on a Saturday night, identify yourself as Officer
Mumble-Mumble and pause for several seconds. This is guaranteed to concentrate
the minds of all parents of teenage drivers. (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.)
And last: Tick off all the
perennially unsuccessful Style Invitational contestants by getting ink on your
first try. (Doug Norwood, Washington, a First Offender)
Next week’s results: Def Jam, or Defternitions